I Approve of Me!

I had an interesting experience today at school. My kids had just come back to the room from a humanity special. The kids were transitioning into the classroom and chatting by their cubbies as they put their library books away. It was a typical transition period until I heard a brief conversation…

One of my young girls turned to another young girl and said, “Are you still mad at me?” Generally, I wouldn’t pay attention to this because we all get annoyed with friends once in awhile and we talk about it and work it out. However, it was the look in her eyes when she asked that told a deeper story.

I know the history of these two girls. One has a tendency to get upset when her friends don’t do what she’d like them to do. The other is a ‘pleaser‘ and just wants to make everyone happy. The pleaser had the puppy dog eyes when she timidly asked the question and you could tell that deep inside of her she was frightened that the answer would be yes.

The girls noticed that I was paying attention to their conversation and quickly scurried off. As they brushed by me, I caught the eye of my ‘pleaser’ and said, “Hey there, do you remember what we talked about at the last Girls Rule meeting?” She earnestly replied, “Yes. You taught us that we needed to believe in ourselves and remember that we need to approve of ourselves, not others.” I smiled and said, “Yes, and what else?” She began to smile and she replied, “I don’t ever have to give my power away. I need to like myself.” My eyes and her eyes gave a high five and she bounced back to her seat.

All too often our kids are searching for approval from not only their teachers, coaches and parents but also their peers. They look to others to validate their accomplishments, their thoughts, their feelings and their outer being as well. We teach them to strive for acceptance from a very young age without even realizing it. Unfortunately, we have set them up for failure without intending it.

How did we do this?

Well, think about it for a minute… From the moment you held that baby in your arms you smiled when they did things you liked. When they lifted their heads for the first time, when they lifted themselves for the first time, when they reached for a toy or food or you! You encouraged them with your smile (and clapping and cooing) and they learned very early on that they liked the way it felt when they made you smile. They also learned that you smiled when they did something that ‘pleased’ you, so what are they doing today with their friends?

You guessed it, looking for that smile in everything they do and say. (looking for approval)

Now, wait a minute Mrs. Savini, you mean to tell me I wasn’t suppose to encourage my child? No, that’s not what I am saying at all. In fact, I LOVE that you encouraged your child, you smiled at your child, you gave them approval, but now it’s time to teach them to approve of themselves so that no-one ever takes their power away.

It’s so critically important for us to teach our children to love and approve of themselves at a young age because if we don’t, then they will always search for approval from others. And, we all know that this becomes a long, lonely and sometimes heartbreaking road.

So how do we do this?

We give them a mirror.

1) Teach them how to do mirror work. It’s easy peezy, lemon squeezy! All you have to do, is look in the mirror and say something POSITIVE to yourself. ‘I like you’, ‘You’re a good writer’, ‘You’re a good friend’, You’re Important!’ My kids do this every Wednesday morning in school and I can see the positive impact it has on them weekly.

2) When they ask your opinion of them or their work or their behavior, hold up the mirror instead of immediately giving them your opinion. Get down on their level (physically), look at them directly in their eyes and ask, “What do you think?” Give them the opportunity to reflect on their own work, behavior and being before you offer your thoughts.

3) When they do something that pleases you, tell them but remember to encourage them to look at themselves as well. You may say, “How do you feel about this?” or “I’m so proud of you! You should be proud of yourself. Are you proud of yourself?”

By constantly reminding our children to look in the mirror (physically, mentally and emotionally) we are giving them their power back and teaching them to love themselves. A child who seeks approval from within is a child who will always find the light in the darkness and who will never, no never give their power away to another individual.

Teach them to approve of themselves and you’ll give them the gift of a lifetime!

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

That Made My Heart Smile

Every Wednesday morning, my first graders circle up on the perimeter of our colorful rug to do their ‘mirror work.’

Mirror work is a critical component of learning to love yourself and I make sure that we are all focused on this activity at least once a week. We have a mirror in a frame and we gently pass the mirror around the circle to each person in the classroom, including myself and a TA in the classroom. The goal is to look in the mirror and give the person staring back at you a genuine compliment. I tell the kids that I don’t want them to compliment the clothes that they wear or  the ‘things’ upon their bodies that were bought for them. Instead, I want them to look into their own eyes and give themselves a compliment or reassurance that they are awesome. I do this because I want them to know that they are amazing just as they are and instead of searching for approval outside of themselves, they ultimately learn to approve of themselves from within (priceless).

You go through your every day life and you just never know what sticks and whether or not you are truly making a difference. As a teacher, I often wonder how much my students actually absorb from academic curriculum and more important-my 7 Essentials curriculum.

However, yesterday I was pleasantly surprised during our mirror work time.

You see, aside from ‘mirror work’ on Wednesday mornings, my students also choose a daily affirmation each morning and I also incorporate the 7 Essentials into my daily routine with them.

Yesterday, a child came up to choose an affirmation randomly from our deck of affirmation cards (www.magnificentcreations.com) and the affirmation that was chosen for the day was, “I am unique.”

As usual, I asked the kids to tell me what they thought the word meant and here are some of their responses;

1) “It means you are perfect just the way you are.”

2) “It means you are special.”

3) “Unique means you are one of a kind.”

Upon hearing some of those definitions my heart began to smile and then I asked them to circle up for their mirror work and more than half of the class looked in the mirror and used one of those definitions while speaking to the person in the mirror-themselves.

My heart smiled BIG!

There’s nothing more rewarding as a teacher than to see your pupils standing in their own light and radiating. It’s nice to know that my students DO listen-at least to the good stuff! 🙂

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

Raising the AHA Generation: Is that a good thing?

When you hear Aha, you may think it is a good thing because ‘Aha’ usually means that you are becoming aware of something, but when you hear what AHA stands in this article, I’m not so sure you’ll feel the same way…

As a school teacher of 15 years I have seen many changes through my career. I have seen staggering changes in education, expectations, learning styles and overall behavior of our children. In the past few weeks I have become critically aware of three important elements that I see clear across the board with our current generation that need to be addressed; (I could write another book on this but I will keep it short and sweet for now)

• Today’s children are generally anxious. Kids always want to know what is coming next and why they are doing what they are doing in that moment. They worry about the simple things in life yet do not pay attention to the details that can help them to feel secure. They have more fears today then we had in our childhood and they look for others to solve their problems because they are afraid that they don’t have the tools to do so on their own.
• Kids of today are learning to be helpless. Their minds are in three different places at once and they therefore struggle to focus on one thing at a time. Perhaps this is because they are so anxious that they are not in the moment. Maybe they are too focused on the past and too fearful of the future to stay in the present moment, or perhaps they have just learned that they don’t have to do things for themselves because the adults will do it to get it done on their timeline
• Today’s children are angry. There are many times in a day when I am putting fires out because someone has been ‘rubbed the wrong way’ or is upset because they didn’t get their way. They easily bark at one another instead of talking things out and listening to the ideas of others. Our children of today go from joy to anger in a matter of minutes and then back to joy when they get their way once again. It’s truly remarkable how they’ve learned to use anger as a bargaining chip.

So there you have it, the AHA generation in a nutshell. Maybe that wasn’t the Aha you were expecting but it’s something we certainly need to look at.

Now, where did this come from?

In my opinion, our kids are learning from us! Think about your average day and the amount of stress you are under. We run from one activity to another. We speak so quickly that we often wonder if we are making sense and we never make time to just BE. We have become Human Doings instead of Human Beings because we are trying to do way too much in our lives. Doesn’t that make you feel anxious?

And think about it… if you are anxious…if your child’s teachers are anxious…if the world spins this quickly daily and everybody is running in different directions…aren’t we all creating an anxious environment for our children to grow in?

How could they not develop deep anxiety in life with these circumstances?

We put pressure on our children from the moment they enter school with academic testing (if not sooner based upon our own expectations). We constantly rush them from one activity to another because, well, hey that’s just what we do today. We never take time to sit and quiet our minds or teach our children to quiet their minds yet we expect them to relax and just be kids when they do have ‘down time’. Hmmmm, how are they to do that when even they are under so much pressure?

Let’s talk about learned helplessness– I don’t believe that we have done this on purpose, but it seems that we are always making excuses for our children’s behaviors or seeking a label to explain those behaviors instead of addressing the issues and teaching them how to problem solve. Our kids are over stimulated with electronics and under stimulated with human connection! We often ask our children to do something and then when we realize it hasn’t been done, we do it ourselves because we are in a hurry and it’s just quicker that way. But, what are we creating with this behavior?

How about those angry kids? We are so hell bent on making sure that our children don’t experience what we experienced and we are so concerned with ‘fairness’ that we have forgotten that sometimes life isn’t fair and we all need to learn how to roll with the punches and go with the flow because sometimes things just don’t work out the way you intend.

Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I don’t like to complain about something without having a solution. So, what can we do?

We need to teach our kids how to be Problem Solvers.

We need to stop taking their power away by answering for them or doing it for them and start empowering them to believe in themselves and speak their truth. The world isn’t always fair but our present circumstances do not have to determine our future and learning to overcome obstacles in life can only build strong character. Give your kids their power back and stop solving their problems for them. Instead, give them the tools that they need to be successful in life.

• When they come to you to ask you if their picture/work is good don’t give them an answer. Instead, get down on their level and say, “What do YOU think about your picture?” Allow them to talk about their work and share their pride. This will teach them that their opinion matters and they don’t have to seek approval outside of themselves.

• When they feel disappointed or upset about something, don’t offer them the solution or try to make it better (and believe me I know this is hard). Instead, sit with them and allow them to feel their feelings without judgment, then ask them what they think they can do about the problem. Guide them to problem solve without giving them a direct solution. This will help them to feel empowered because they had a part in the solution. And as difficult as it is-because we all just want to make it better- it’s worth it in the long run because you are giving them tools for a lifetime. What is that old saying… “Give them a fish and they eat today but teach them to fish and they eat for an eternity!” (or something like that)

• Finally, practice the 7 Essentials (Ignite the Light: Empowering Children & Adults to be Their Absolute Best). Teach them to; 1) Love themselves, 2) Feel their feelings, 3) Quiet their minds, 4) Tune in to the energy and people around them, 5) Remove toxic thoughts, 6) Speak their truth, and above all…7) Plug in to their higher self or higher power.

I don’t want our kids to be anxious, helpless and angry. Instead, I would like to create a strong foundation for them so that they can grow up to have a healthy, productive, joyful life. Now that is a much better Aha, agree?

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

PS Please leave me your comments. I read them all and love hearing your thoughts!

www.vickisavini.com

It’s Official-Ignite the Light!

Ready to Ignite the Light?

Hi everyone!

I can’t believe how fast time flies but my new book is being released in exactly ONE week!!! (But you can PRE-ORDER TODAY)

IGNITE THE LIGHT: EMPOWERING CHILDREN & ADULTS TO BE THEIR ABSOLUTE BEST

Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a child-care worker, or just a person who would like to leave this world a little more peaceful than you found it, Ignite the Light – Empowering Children and Adults to Be Their Absolute Best, will give you the tools to educate, enlighten, and empower the children in your life to see that they are perfect just as they are.  What happens in childhood doesn’t stay in childhood, which is why childhood is too precious to ignore.  This book is a practical step-by-step manual for change and message of hope that provides tools from which all children—and all families—will benefit.

Check out the book trailer that was filmed and produced by an 11 year old who shines brighter than the SUN-(how cool is that?)

CLICK HERE FOR BOOK TRAILER

I am on a mission to help children and families be their absolute best by igniting the light within.

In this book, I take the 7 Essentials that I have taught for years to both children and adults and give you a step by step manual to apply to your life and empower the children you serve (whether you are a parent or teacher, you know exactly what I mean by that).

There’s nothing cerebral about it. I keep it simple because I want you to pick up this book, devour the message and apply simple principles immediately so that you can not only be your best self, but more important–ignite the light within our kids!

Top 5 Reasons to Order Ignite the Light today:

1) You will learn 7 simple essentials that can chance your life by helping you to create strong foundations for children and repair and strengthen your own foundation.
2) Your kids deserve a strong foundation that will help them to navigate the waters of life by connecting with their inner power.
3) You deserve a chance to get off the hamster wheel and start living instead of existing.
4) There are tons of tools to help kids believe in themselves and speak their truth, and when this happens our kids excel at school, laugh at bullies and shine brighter than the sun!
5) When we believe in ourselves and speak our truth, we not only create a brighter future for our kids but we live a happier life!

How about some gifts?

Because you have followed my work and are on my super important email list, I want to give you a few free gifts for ordering my book;

1) an automatic download of a typical meditation in my classroom. This is approximately 12 minutes long and can be used with both children and adults, even if you think you have a hard time meditating! I have 1st graders who use this method and believe me it works. Let me teach you how to go to YOUR ‘Happy Place.’

2) I will include you in a free 90 minute group coaching call based on the 7 essentials in the book! (Date in June to be announced.)

How do you get the free gifts?

Simply purchase the book from amazon (click the link below), then send your receipt to zohee@vickisavini.com with “I’m Ready to Ignite the Light” in the subject line and you will receive an email with your immediate download and more information on the coaching call.

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,
Vicki

Are You Living or Existing?

 

I was driving down the road today coming home from a visit with my mom and the peace and quiet of the open road gave me time to listen to the voice within. A thought came streaming into my consciousness that I’d like to share with you…

If you died today, would you die happy?

If you answered no to this question than it’s time for a drastic change in your life because life was not made to be existed through. Instead, we are given life to live.

My life has taken an unexpected turn in the past few months and I have often found myself just getting through my days as I have allowed myself to be on an emotional roller coaster. I would say that this is existing.

As I drove down the road I began thinking of my dad-who is no longer here on earth. I suddenly realized that life is just too damn short to stay in a place of sadness.

Why is it that we give our power away to others and allow self limiting beliefs to hold us back or keep us in relationships that are just not right for us?

Well, the number one reason is fear. Fear paralyzes us and keeps us in holding patterns in life, but love sets us free.  It’s easy to love others and to put their needs ahead of our own, but true love is learning to love yourself.

Life is too short to exist. Our days are limited here on Earth and I know that I want to truly enjoy every minute. It all begins with learning to love myself and so today I shift my thoughts to what I have instead of what I do not have. I focus on what I can do, instead of what I cannot do. I count my blessings and set my intention instead of feeling like a victim.

If you answered no to the question above, then ask yourself what small act you can do today that will shift your focus and place your own power back in your hands?

Love yourself by choosing positive thoughts over negative thoughts, speaking your truth and knowing in your heart that today’s sorrow brings tomorrows sunshine because the Universe is ALWAYS supporting us and bringing our highest good!

Lots of Light & Tons of Light,

Vicki

 

 

Time Out

Well, it’s the middle of summer and I am finding myself in the same dilemma that many parents find themselves in this time of year…

My son goes to camp daily 1/2 day but as soon as he walks in the door he says, “So, what are we going to do today?” (He’s clearly watching way too much Phineas and Ferb!)

I then feel the immediate pressure to ‘entertain’ him so that he will be happy and his summer will feel complete.

I look around the house and see the list of things to do piling up. I swiftly remember that my deadline for my book is quickly approaching and I gaze to the dining room table and see a pile of ‘stuff’ I need to go through for my business. Of course it doesn’t end there. You could add to the list that I am moving into a brand new school and my classroom is in boxes right now, I am a full-time wife and mother as well with all of the regular household responsibilities and I run workshops and seminars to empower children and adults. And my child has the audacity to ask me, “What are we going to do today?!”

Anyone would get irritable and snap a few times with all of this going on. It’s easy to see why I have been snapping at him in the past week but that’s honestly unacceptable to me because I know better than anyone that childhood is just too precious to ignore–considering that I am writing a book that focuses on this!

How many hats do we wear as women?

All too many, but my mommy hat is very important to me. In fact, it’s my number one priority and if I feel like I am being pulled in every direction, then I’m not going to be the best mom I can be.

That’s why it’s critically important to carve out time for you!

When I think about why I have been irritable it’s not only because I have so much on my plate, it’s also because I’m not sure what to tackle first because I’m not taking time to relax, rejuvenate and respond to my own needs.

This is when you know it’s time to take a ‘time out’ for yourself and evaluate what’s truly important to you.

The business is important because I’m empowering children and adults and making a difference in the world so I’ll keep that hat but designate specific time for it. The classroom is important but not necessarily most important right now since we have 46 days left of summer vacation. The book is critically important because my deadline is fast approaching-but hey, you can’t rush a good thing, right?

Most important to me is my child. So in order to be my best for him, I need to relax, rejuvenate and respond to my needs. I guess that means a good glass of vino with some friends and perhaps even a pedicure soon!

Time out doesn’t have to be a negative statement. Instead I’m choosing to make it a positive statement and I hope you will too!

Ironically, this morning was ‘hat day’ at my son’s camp. He couldn’t decide which hat to wear so he decided to wear as many as possible. He was struggling and getting frustrated trying to get them all to fit on top of his head without falling. He threw them on the ground a few times and then I came to the rescue. We took our time and figured out which to put on his head first, next and last. It worked perfectly because we were stacking them mindfully. I didn’t think there was any significance to that experience this morning but now I do-

Perhaps that was the Universe’s way of reminding me to stack my hats according to priority and best fit…

We all have tons of hats that pile up on our heads but if we are constantly trying to pick them up we are not wearing them well-and really, if you can’t wear a hat well…what’s the sense in wearing it at all?

Take a time out for YOU!

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

PS I almost forgot…Take the time to find your true reflection when the kids go back to school with me at the annual Woman’s Worth Retreat in Silver Bay, NY. Check it out by clicking HERE.

You’re Worth it!!

 

 

The Oreo Cookie Theory

The end of the school year is quickly approaching and many believe that the kids are ‘acting up’ because they are done with school and ready for summer vacation. I have a different perspective on this…

As soon as June 1st hits (sometimes earlier) the kids suddenly appear to have forgotten the rules and have no motivation to work. They also seem to be fighting with one another more than ever and disputing the tiniest issues that didn’t seem to matter just a few weeks ago.

Ten years ago I saw this happening in my classroom to my sweet, loving, well trained 2nd graders and I was baffled because this group of kids was truly like a family. They were loving to one another and worked well cooperatively so when this ‘change’ occurred–literally overnight–I had no idea what was happening.

I reinstated the rules, tried to make learning as fun as I possibly could and focused on projects that would hold their attention, yet they were still constantly arguing with one another. Then The Oreo Cookie Theory came to be…

The kids just came in from recess and there were several requests for a ‘Community Meeting‘.

*A Community Meeting is something that we hold in my classroom when we have a problem or concern that we need to solve as a group.

We went to the ‘Meeting Place Rug’ and sat in a circle. They were all familiar with the rules; if you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears you were not to judge, but instead listen mindfully. One child raised their hand to use an I Statement regarding their frustration. Then another and yet another. I sat back and wondered what was going on with these kids. They were literally like a family. We were all so close and we always worked out our differences together but lately it was a nightmare after every recess.

As I listened to the kids venting their feelings I myself was feeling helpless because I wanted them to enjoy our last few weeks together instead of nitpicking at one another. I interrupted the conversation and explained that perhaps we were all just ready for a break because it was a long year and we were excited for the summer. The kids kind of shook their heads and then there was an uncomfortable silence in the room.

Oh I got it then. The kids heard me say the words, “Let’s enjoy our last few weeks together instead of fighting” and the flood gates opened.

Several of the kids had tears in their eyes, as did I, as we all realized we were bracing ourselves for our end. Yes, we were excited about Summer, but we were also sad to leave one another.

At the time I worked in a school that was a primary center. We hosted grades K-2 and then the kids went to two separate schools across town from one another for grades 3-5 depending on where they lived.

The kids began to speak about their sadness of leaving and how scary it was that things were going to change. I did my best to reassure them that they would love 3rd grade and would all see each other again in 6th grade, but then one child raised her hand and the ‘Oreo Cookie Theory’ was born.

She looked right at me with tears in her eyes and spoke with a soft and broken voice. She said, “Well, Ms. Scalzo (that was my name back then) it’s sad that we are leaving and going to 3rd grade but you don’t really know why.” Of course I inquired and she responded, “It’s kind of like we are an Oreo Cookie. We are each the chocolate cookie ends. One cookie goes one way and the other cookie goes the other way.” I literally began to hold my breath to hold back the tears and then she said, “The worst part is that you are the fluffy stuff in the middle and we’re never gonna see you again.”

At that point we were all crying and then, of course, hugging.

I am proud to say that those 2nd graders are graduating from High School this year and I can’t wait to attend their graduation. I have thought of them often as the years have past and I especially think of them every June when my kids show the same signs of separation anxiety.

If you are a teacher or a parent and you’ve noticed a change in your child in the past few weeks that may be a bit frustrating please consider this ‘Oreo Theory’ and give them a break.

Instead of getting angry or annoyed with their behavior, give them lots of extra love because now you know that although they are excited about a new beginning and sunshine, they are also sad about an ending.

Be gentle. Be understanding. Be loving.

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

 

Not in Front of the Children

This is a follow up from yesterday’s post-

I normally do not write back to back blogs, but if you read my last post you learned that I have a major concern with how much information our children are being exposed to in today’s society.

The moment my 1st graders began talking about the incident in Boston I felt a chill run up my spine because I just firmly believe that childhood is a precious time period that is dwindling before our very eyes.

I began surveying colleagues and other parents in the building to see how many of them had talked to their young children about the event or allowed them to watch the news. I was astounded when I heard that many of them not only talked to them but also allowed the kids to watch the news or were watching the news while the children were in the room or had an ear shot.

This effected me deeply, and I wasn’t clear why. Today as I was driving to school that clarity came to me…

On January 3, 1983, I was laying in my bed, in my red feetie pajama’s having a hard time falling asleep. As I laid there tossing and turning the phone rang in the dead of the night. I heard my mom answer the phone, gasp, and then respond, “No, no, that can’t be right. How can that be?” I sat up in my bed to get a better listen and then I heard my mom crying and my dad trying to comfort her. My eldest sister came in and was totally devastated.

I walked out of my bedroom and asked what was going on as my family began to come together. I was told to go back to bed, but I couldn’t because I was so concerned. My sister then told me that my cousin died and we would talk about it in the morning.

My cousin was a 27 year old attorney who was senselessly killed in the office of the firm where he worked. My family didn’t really talk directly to me about it in the morning-as promised, instead I heard the news and the conversations among family and friends.

My mom had pulled her back and was ‘laid up’ in bed so I would go and lay with her while she watched the news. At the age of 10 I was still innocent, vulnerable and totally energetically sensitive (as most children are).

As the news reporters would announce new findings and talk about how my cousin was blind folded, tied to his chair and shot in the head several times, I felt chills run down my spine and got an immediate visual which made me cringe at the thought of this wonderful man who I adored exiting life in this terrible way.

My mom would tell me to leave the room as they revealed details, but I still heard the news in the background.

Perhaps that’s why I never watch the news.

I find the news to be negative and down right depressing. My son is not exposed to the news or talk of the negative-fear based society we live in. I choose not to expose him to that because I am trying to preserve his childhood. Quite frankly, I think there’s plenty of time for him to hear about the darkness in the world.

I really don’t believe that parents think about what this negative news can do to a child.

We complain about violent video games and inappropriate cartoons because it fills their minds with negative thoughts and dark behaviors, yet we allow them to watch or listen to the news? That doesn’t make sense.

Mindfulness is the key to a peaceful society. We can start in our homes by being mindful of what our children are hearing and seeing.

If you really need to watch or listen to the news (especially when there is a tragic event-and you know we have several), please consider doing that when the children are not in the room.

If we truly want a more peaceful society, it needs to start at home. Immerse your children in love and happy thoughts as long as you can because childhood is our foundation and it’s simply too precious to ignore.

From a child who was exposed to news that forever changed her life, please hear my plea and become more mindful of what’s happening in front of the children.

Children are energetically sensitive. That means they pick up on energy around them before they hear or see. Stop and think about that for a moment and change the energy you allow your children to step into.

Let’s face it, the news doesn’t normally leave you with an uplifting or positive feeling. Our kids are already dealing with tons of pressure and negativity, do we really need to expose them to more?

Ask yourself if this is beneficial to the children in any way-does it uplift them? If not, consider waiting until the children are not in front of you to immerse yourself in the news if you so choose to expose yourself to that negativity.

It could make a HUGE difference in our society…

Lots of Love & Tons of Light,

Vicki

PS Try NOT tuning in for a week and see how you FEEL. You just might feel more uplifted yourself!

Release Your Pain & Be The Light

“Why can you not become enlightened? It is because of the obstacles in your mind and because the root of your pain is deep.” ~Hui Neng

As many of you know, I am currently writing a book to educate, enlighten and empower children and adults to be their absolute best. The writing process is quite interesting. It is truly an ebb and flow journey that causes you to soul search deeper than you ever imagined you would. For months I wrote fairly freely and everything was rolling along quite nicely and then I came to chapter 3 and experienced what is known as ‘writers block’.

This particular chapter is a very important chapter because it introduces the concept of core beliefs and helps us all to understand how beliefs we formed in childhood shape who we are today.

Instead of getting frustrated with my lack of free flow writing I removed myself from the computer for a while and began to ask the Universe for guidance. A funny thing happens when you ask the Universe for guidance…you get exactly what you’ve asked for!

According to Abraham-Hicks (The Law of Attraction, Esther & Gerry Hicks), “A belief is a thought that you simply keep thinking.”

We all have beliefs. We have beliefs about the world and how it works. We have beliefs about people and how they function. We have beliefs about ourselves and what makes us tick on a daily basis.

Chapter 3 of my book focuses on beliefs that formed in early childhood that we have validated over time. These beliefs were born from thoughts that we had about ourselves or life in general and they dwell deep within our hearts–at our very core.

A core belief that I have struggled with my entire life is that I am not good enough (another way to say this is not worthy). Many people look at me and think ‘I’ve got the world on a string.’ They have always seen my accomplishments as monumental, yet I have struggled to feel good about my own successes.

After a difficult, but enlightening lesson from the Universe (that I asked for) I can honestly say that I totally get where this came from now…

 

When I was a child my mom never sent me to school without a pretty dress and complete hairdo. I was made fun of for this because I was ‘too perfect’.

As the years went by I poured myself into art. I won several art contests and was made to feel that I was ‘favored’ by the art teacher because of my ability.

More time passed and I found my inner voice and became an accomplished singer. You can guess that this brought criticism from my peers as well.

I was just like every other kid, I wanted to be liked and I wanted to fit in, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that in order to do that I had to dim my own light.

As an adult, I am saddened to say, that I am still experiencing these ‘hits,’ so to speak when I accomplish something or speak my truth.

For the past few weeks this core belief of unworthiness has come up for me fairly strongly. I’ve been very hard on myself and unfortunately ‘dimming my own light’. Tonight I asked myself why I do this? Why is it that I cannot get past this obstacle?

The answer was within the pain of this belief.

As a child I learned to downplay my successes so that people would not make fun of me or cast me aside because they felt that my light was too bright. I’m sad to say that as an adult I was dimming my own light for this same reason, but who am I really helping if I am not being true to myself and beaming my own inner light?

Marianne Williamson teaches us that, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

I’ve come to realize that I am no longer that little girl who needs people to like her. Instead, I am a woman who has learned to like herself and love the little girl within.

I understand that no-one truly ignites their own light by dimming another and I hope you will see the same by finding your own inner light.

Don’t play small. Be who you are and allow all of your magnificence to illuminate the world because the only person, place or thing stopping you is…YOU.

I think it’s safe to say that I asked for guidance and the Universe delivered. I’m no longer ‘blocked’.

With Lots of Love & TONS of Light,

Vicki

 

What Children Are Really Communicating

Photo By: http://photography.ivanmcclellan.com/

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion. ~Buddha

When babies cry everyone rushes to reveal what’s wrong and alleviate their stress.  It’s somewhat of an instinct in our culture. We understand that the only way that baby can communicate a need to us; be it hunger, a necessary diaper change, fatigue or discomfort is to cry out. No one wants to hear a baby cry, so we respond quickly. Unfortunately, as a child begins to grow and learns the language, we assume that they know how to communicate their needs effectively, yet do they?

As an elementary teacher I have come to know that even though children have more vocabulary words when they enter school, they still do not know how to communicate their needs. Often, children cry out to get their meet needs, but all we see is defiance instead of their plea for help.

Bella is an adorable 1^st grader who entered my classroom in September. I remember getting her kindergarten card and noting that she could be a handful at times. I put the card in my filing cabinet at the start of the year because I like to get to know my kids from my own perspective without previous judgments.

I call all of my students the week before school begins to get them excited about school (that’s just how I roll). We then have a ‘Welcome Back Picnic’ at our school to meet the parents and children in a friendly, welcoming atmosphere.

When I met Bella and her mom at the picnic, I noticed that Bella appeared to be ‘running the show.’ Her mom and I talked for a bit and she shared that Bella’s dad died when she was only eight months old and it was just the two of them still to this day. It was easy to see that mom was compensating for the loss.

Within the first month of school, I could certainly see why Bella had earned this reputation of being a handful. She could be a bit silly and somewhat defiant at times, however she knew the rules of our classroom and understood what kind of behavior was expected, so she did well with me.

Right after the December break things started to change. Bella was getting herself into trouble in several of her classes (art, music & gym). She was not listening to directions and defying the teachers when they asked her not to do something. She was also talking back to adults in the building and getting herself into trouble at her before and after school program.

Her mom and I talked on the phone to create a plan of action. I suggested a behavior plan to help her but asked mom to promise to follow through at home for this to be effective.  The plan worked for a few days, but Bella just didn’t seem to care about making good choices.

On a Friday afternoon (likely around a full moon) Bella’s plea for help became apparent. She got in trouble from the moment she entered the school. She needed a great deal of redirection from me and found herself in trouble everywhere she went that day. At lunchtime I got a phone call from the cafeteria asking if she was with me because she took it upon herself to leave the cafeteria without permission. This put several staff members in a state of panic.

I walked down the hall and found her. We sat down and talked about her choices and how this was not safe. She apologized sweetly and assured me it wouldn’t happen again. The children returned to the room and she asked to go to the bathroom. Five minutes later she was brought to me by another teacher who caught her fooling around in the bathroom.

I was outraged and caught up in the moment. I called her mom and asked her to meet me for an impromptu conference with Bella right after school. My intent was to make an impact on her by having an immediate meeting with mom because she appeared to have no remorse. She was talking the talk by saying how sorry she was, but not choosing to walk the walk and something needed to be done.

A few hours later mom arrived at the school with tears in her eyes. She expressed her disappointment and shared concern that she was failing as a mother. She told me that she was terrified that Bella did not have a bond with her because she suffered from post partum after giving birth and felt that this was all her fault. Bella was often in charge because she was afraid to give her consequences for fear that she would hate her. I reassured her that we would work through this together and come up with a plan.

When we entered the room, Bella ran up to her mom with a huge smile and jumped into her arms. This, of course made her mother cry even more. She was most upset that her daughter didn’t have any remorse for her actions.

While we were having the meeting, Bella sat there stone faced with a smirk at times answering our questions like a trained professional. Her mom asked her why we were having the meeting and she answered stoically, “We are having this meeting because I’m not making good choices. I’m sorry Mommy.”

I watched her and quickly noticed that she was not present. I looked into her eyes and said, “Bella, thank you for telling us what you know we want to hear, but what I’d really like to know is how you feel.” I referred to my children’s book, “The Light Inside of Me” because we use this frequently in our classroom to describe how we are feeling. I asked her if she felt that the light inside was bright or dim. She of course said it was dim.

I looked at her with loving eyes and said, “Bella, would you please put your hands on your heart and close your eyes because I’d like to talk about your feelings.” She complied without hesitation. I then asked her to use an ‘I Statement’ to tell us why her light was dim.

She took a few minutes with her eyes closed then opened them and looked right at me. Her whole demeanor was different. She was softer, gentler, and certainly in the present moment. She began to talk and tenderly said, “Well Mrs. Savini, my light is dim because I feel sad. I feel sad because sometimes I wish my life was different. I wish that one of my friends could live with me and my mom because I get lonely. I feel lonely Mrs. Savini and that makes me really sad.”

I gave her a big hug and told her that we would work this out together. Her smile lit up the room as her light within was beaming.

Bella was crying out just like an infant. Sure at six, children have words to express their feelings, but it’s difficult to do that when you are not sure of your truth. By asking Bella to place her hands on her heart and feel her feelings, she felt safe and was able to truly express her discomfort.

Our intent that day was to teach her a lesson, but the true lesson was in being compassionate instead of judgmental. By opening our hearts to her plea for help we gave her the opportunity to express what was really bothering her.  Bella and her mom made some simple changes at home and she has been a totally different kid from that time…her best self!

Our children are a mirror for whatever we are experiencing in life. We think we hide it well, but we don’t because they are not rationalizing our reactions in their heads. Instead, they are feeling the energy we are projecting. Bella wasn’t looking to break the rules or get in trouble. Instead, she was communicating a need that was born from her emotional pain.  Today and every day take a step back when your children are ‘acting out’ and really observe the situation. Treat them like infants and go to the core of their issue to solve the problem. Instead of judging their behavior and reacting with fear, take the time to respond by understanding what they are really communicating.